I remember exactly where I was sitting when the new perspective dropped into my spirit and mind. I was sitting on my deck under the gazebo watching the sun drop below the tall hardwoods behind my house. It was hot and humid as is typical for an Arkansas summer evening. I took a picture of myself because I wanted to create a scrapbook reminder of where I was when I realized my healing had come full circle. The peace on my face. The peace in my eyes. Oh, the peace on my face and in my eyes…the kind that cannot be faked. I could see the truth. And feel the truth. My heart had been homesick. And my heart had found its way home.
The names I had given to the prior two years were grief, hurt, betrayal, embarrassment, pain, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, confusion, broken. It was a literal crash course on forgiveness – the need to give it, the need to ask for it and the need to accept it. Forgiveness is the foundation that turned those former words into joy, whole, edification, peace, direction, restored, connection, clarity. As I moved through my healing journey, my core remained the same. But my heart was put back together in a new, fresh way and it’s more beautiful than I could have chosen for myself.
But God, y’all.
My heart was homesick for something more. For something more like Jesus. For something more like myself. Less like the expectations of church or the expectations of others. Less like playing the perfectionism role which leads into the shame game. My homesickness wasn’t the kind you feel when you are away at college or distanced from your actual home or loved ones. My homesickness was the kind that knocks you off your feet and when you try to stand up and continue on like normal, what once was is no longer. Normal was no longer an option. And so I had two choices…stay knocked down or take my homesick heart and find the way home. To a new home.
And that is where I find myself. A new home. I am still me but the fill in the blank moment that knocked me to my knees – some days flat on my face – gave me the gift of recognizing my heart was homesick. And that gift allowed me to find my way home.
I am home because my heart is home.
Friend, your heart can find its way home. Maybe it’s a life event that left your heart homesick. Maybe it’s the realization that you are made for more and the time is now to take your homesick heart to the home where it belongs. Home is waiting for you.